Holidays Are Coming

It’s only October and my in-laws are already claiming all of the upcoming holidays for themselves. Of course, I expected this. They want every holiday to only revolve around themselves, so I was prepared this year!

My family and my in-laws, in the past, have often shared Thanksgiving by celebrating at my home. It prevented having either my husband or myself from missing our own families. I think I hosted the holiday for about five years in a row, which was nice. When my sister-in-law had her first baby, she offered to host. This surprised me, since she seemed to have her hands full already. But I certainly didn’t mind giving the job to somebody else, and she was long overdue for the honor. So . . . and this is moving off the topic a little bit . . . she prepared the turkey and the mashed potatoes, and she asked ME to take care of everything else! I may just as well have hosted the holiday myself! I made all the side dishes, hors'doeuvres, and my mother brought desserts. My husband showed up early to move tables and arrange furniture. And I brought extra serving platters, utensils, and plates. Basically, my sister-in-law had no business hosting a holiday. She got all the credit while my mother, husband, and I did all the work. My in-laws who came from out of town contributed nothing, as usual, and after they left, my husband and I handled most of the cleanup. We've done this two years in a row now.

Anyway . . . My parents had celebrated Thanksgiving with my in-laws for two years in a row now themselves. Since I had hosted for the five years previous, my parents have not had to host a holiday in well over seven years. (Christmas Eve my husband and I spend with his family; Christmas Day is usually spent at my brother’s—so far, this satisfies everybody.) My mother spoke with me about a week ago and said that she did not want to spend a third Thanksgiving with my in-laws. I didn’t question her about this, but these are the possible reasons for her choice:

1. I’ve been telling my mother so much about how my in-laws are treating me that she no longer wants to celebrate with these people.

2. She misses our own family customs and rituals, the smells of Thanksgiving in the home, and setting her own schedule and plan for the day.

3. Although my parents haven’t said anything to me about it, they may have gotten offended by things my in-laws have said to them or around them—just as I have. And my parents aren’t ones who would tell me about this unless I asked them directly about it, which I haven’t yet. They don’t like to stir up trouble.

So anyway, my mother said she hoped I wouldn’t mind, but she didn’t wish to join us this year if we were going to my in-laws, but that my husband and I were welcome to come to their home.

Of course, I thought this was fair. It’s not right for us to spend a third year at my in-laws, when my parents haven’t had a chance to host us for the holiday. So my husband and I agreed that we would plan on the holiday with my parents.

As expected, as soon as we told my sister-in-law that we would not be around for Thanksgiving, the whining, judgments, and manipulation began.

Paraphrase of the whining: “That’s not fair. We wanted to show off our new home. We haven’t bothered inviting your parents since we bought our new home many months ago, but we want them to show up for our holiday because the more cars we have in the driveway, the better impression we will make on the neighbors to whom we never speak with but only talk about. Now we’re going to be short by four people, and who will make all the side dishes and the desserts now? I hope you can still come at least the day before in order to help us set up for the holiday? If not, then come the day after so that you can help us clean . . .”

Paraphrase of the judgments: “I can’t believe they don’t want to come and see our new home. I’m sure they’ve never seen a home as grand as ours. It’s not much by OUR standards, but I know THEY would be impressed. How can they go and make holiday plans without checking to see if we wanted them here first? Perhaps we’ll just go to their house instead . . .” [After a brief clarification that my parents had not—to the best of my knowledge—invited them, only me and my husband, they became more adamant.] “They’re certainly not going to enjoy the holiday without us! That’s just not right. We should be invited everywhere. Have they no idea how important we are?”

Paraphrase of the manipulation: “Well, I’m going to call your parents myself and extend an invitation directly. I’m sure they will change their minds after I have a chance to tell them lies and manipulate them the way our entire family does with each other all the time. Just wait and see. I’ll get my way one way or another. It doesn’t matter who I hurt or how I degrade myself, as long as everyone treats me as if I’m royalty!”

Well . . . I have all the confidence in my parents. They don’t fall for these types of games. They’ve made their plans, with no intentions of inviting anybody but their own children and their children’s immediate families. They will not be swayed by whining, self-righteous judgments, and especially manipulation. That turns my parents off in the worst way. (Me too!) In fact, now that my parents are aware of the truth about my in-laws, they will probably never socialize with them again. My parents will always treat them with respect and politeness, but they will never go out of their way to spend time with them anymore. And why should they? My in-laws, although they put up a pretty façade of pleasantness, always leave visitors with a heavy feeling of unpleasantness. You can hide a lot of flaws, but self-righteousness, self-centeredness, and arrogance are difficult to disguise. And my in-laws are so mentally challenged that I don’t think they even realize how much of themselves they reveal through their actions and speech.

So sad . . . and disgusting!