How Far I’ve Come

I want to thank all my readers who have left supportive and encouraging comments for me. I also want to apologize for not posting an update sooner. Many times I have tried writing up an entry but was unable to fully express what was really going on.

My life has been a roller-coaster ride for the most part. When I would start to write an entry about how sad, angry, or guilty I was feeling, I would start to feel strong, healthy, and positive and would have to stop writing whatever it was I was trying to say. In the opposite direction, when I tried writing about all the wonderful things that were happening to me, I would suddenly begin feeling sad, angry, or guilty and couldn’t continue writing.

Things now seem to be leveling off a bit. I’m settled in a nice, yet too small, studio apartment. I’m self-employed part-time right now. I’m trying to get enough work to make it full-time, but the benefit of having a lot of down time is that I have time to think and relax and step out to have a little bit of fun that has been missing from my life for so long.

I do have a lot of worries and concerns. For example, my savings is dwindling faster than I can replace it (although this process is gradually reversing), when our divorce is final (mid to late January) I’m not sure where I will stand with health insurance, and I’m constantly concerned about my financial future. Other than worrying about money matters, however, life has been wonderful.

This whole experience has been my chance to reinvent myself and to create a new life. A few good friends have stuck by my side like family members, and I have also made some wonderful new friends who bring so much joy to my life.

I do worry about whether or not I will ever have another boyfriend. I worry about how the past abuse I suffered will carry over into a new relationship. I’m seeing a counselor once a week (which is why I need the health insurance so badly) to talk about these things and this has been very helpful.

The counselor tells me I may have post-traumatic stress disorder because of things I have been through. I rarely talk about this, and I don’t think I’ve even mentioned it in this blog as I’ve mostly just been griping about my in-laws, but early in my marriage my husband physically abused me. I was able to get him to change this behavior through marriage counseling and through threats by both me and my parents that if he ever hurt me again the police would be called. Of course, the physical abuse only converted over to verbal and emotional abuse...

I had no idea at the time just how hurtful verbal and emotional abuse could be. If I had known, I would have left a lot sooner. When I look back into my journals, I find notes to myself as far back as 1999 telling myself that “things have to change,” “I may have to leave,” and “my spirit is dying.” Tucked in my notebooks are scraps of paper with lists of things I’ll need to take with me, things I’ll need to purchase, things I’ll have to do such as earn an income, find an apartment, call a lawyer, etc. So, I had actually been planning on leaving even long before I was consciously aware I was planning to leave. The day that I did actually leave, I was working in “automatic pilot” mode. It seems I had rehearsed things so well in my mind, that I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing. I also think God and His guardian angels were helping me. My health had been so poor that I didn’t think I was going to be able to pack very much or take very much, but the day of the move I never got fatigued. And I actually had to move twice. My apartment wasn’t ready the day I moved, so I moved my things first to my parents’ house where I stayed for two weeks, then moved it all again when my apartment was ready. Of course, my Dad and older brother helped with the heavy things. But I did a lot of it on my own. If you had known how sick I was back then—I had lost over 60 lbs. and was grossly underweight—you would know that my ability to do any of this was nothing short of miraculous!

Two days after moving, my health began turning around and my weight began coming back. This tells me that it was my marriage relationship that was making me so unwell. I think if I had stayed, it would have eventually killed me. My weight loss problem was that serious.

Every day I feel better and better. Since leaving my husband, I think I have cried maybe about four or five times. The whole rest of the time has been smiles and happiness and hopefulness.

I still have issues to work on. I feel guilty about the impending divorce. I still carry some anger in me, which doesn’t make me feel very good. And I have very little idea what the future holds for me. I hate not knowing what’s coming down the road. But I’m learning to have faith: faith in God and faith in my own abilities to manage my life. This whole process has been an adventure, and I think as long as I look at it that way I will continue on with the smiles and happiness and hopefulness. And that’s all I really need . . .