My Arrogant In-Laws

How Far I’ve Come

2006-12-10T18:55:00.000-05:00

I want to thank all my readers who have left supportive and encouraging comments for me. I also want to apologize for not posting an update sooner. Many times I have tried writing up an entry but was unable to fully express what was really going on.

My life has been a roller-coaster ride for the most part. When I would start to write an entry about how sad, angry, or guilty I was feeling, I would start to feel strong, healthy, and positive and would have to stop writing whatever it was I was trying to say. In the opposite direction, when I tried writing about all the wonderful things that were happening to me, I would suddenly begin feeling sad, angry, or guilty and couldn’t continue writing.

Things now seem to be leveling off a bit. I’m settled in a nice, yet too small, studio apartment. I’m self-employed part-time right now. I’m trying to get enough work to make it full-time, but the benefit of having a lot of down time is that I have time to think and relax and step out to have a little bit of fun that has been missing from my life for so long.

I do have a lot of worries and concerns. For example, my savings is dwindling faster than I can replace it (although this process is gradually reversing), when our divorce is final (mid to late January) I’m not sure where I will stand with health insurance, and I’m constantly concerned about my financial future. Other than worrying about money matters, however, life has been wonderful.

This whole experience has been my chance to reinvent myself and to create a new life. A few good friends have stuck by my side like family members, and I have also made some wonderful new friends who bring so much joy to my life.

I do worry about whether or not I will ever have another boyfriend. I worry about how the past abuse I suffered will carry over into a new relationship. I’m seeing a counselor once a week (which is why I need the health insurance so badly) to talk about these things and this has been very helpful.

The counselor tells me I may have post-traumatic stress disorder because of things I have been through. I rarely talk about this, and I don’t think I’ve even mentioned it in this blog as I’ve mostly just been griping about my in-laws, but early in my marriage my husband physically abused me. I was able to get him to change this behavior through marriage counseling and through threats by both me and my parents that if he ever hurt me again the police would be called. Of course, the physical abuse only converted over to verbal and emotional abuse...

I had no idea at the time just how hurtful verbal and emotional abuse could be. If I had known, I would have left a lot sooner. When I look back into my journals, I find notes to myself as far back as 1999 telling myself that “things have to change,” “I may have to leave,” and “my spirit is dying.” Tucked in my notebooks are scraps of paper with lists of things I’ll need to take with me, things I’ll need to purchase, things I’ll have to do such as earn an income, find an apartment, call a lawyer, etc. So, I had actually been planning on leaving even long before I was consciously aware I was planning to leave. The day that I did actually leave, I was working in “automatic pilot” mode. It seems I had rehearsed things so well in my mind, that I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing. I also think God and His guardian angels were helping me. My health had been so poor that I didn’t think I was going to be able to pack very much or take very much, but the day of the move I never got fatigued. And I actually had to move twice. My apartment wasn’t ready the day I moved, so I moved my things first to my parents’ house where I stayed for two weeks, then moved it all again when my apartment was ready. Of course, my Dad and older brother helped with the heavy things. But I did a lot of it on my own. If you had known how sick I was back then—I had lost over 60 lbs. and was grossly underweight—you would know that my ability to do any of this was nothing short of miraculous!

Two days after moving, my health began turning around and my weight began coming back. This tells me that it was my marriage relationship that was making me so unwell. I think if I had stayed, it would have eventually killed me. My weight loss problem was that serious.

Every day I feel better and better. Since leaving my husband, I think I have cried maybe about four or five times. The whole rest of the time has been smiles and happiness and hopefulness.

I still have issues to work on. I feel guilty about the impending divorce. I still carry some anger in me, which doesn’t make me feel very good. And I have very little idea what the future holds for me. I hate not knowing what’s coming down the road. But I’m learning to have faith: faith in God and faith in my own abilities to manage my life. This whole process has been an adventure, and I think as long as I look at it that way I will continue on with the smiles and happiness and hopefulness. And that’s all I really need . . .

I Did It!

2006-04-14T11:53:00.000-04:00

Well . . . I did it. I left him.

I don't know whether I'm glad or sad or mad or what. I guess I'm a combination of all these things. Glad that I can now take control over my own self and build a life that is healthy for me to live in. Sad that I have to leave the man that I love in order to keep my spirit--and possibly my body--alive. Mad that my husband has allowed this to happen by not taking me seriously, by placing his mother and his sister above his wife and making me the "other woman" in this strange relationship, and for making our home--and our very life together--a place of tension and fear in spite of all my efforts to make it a place where we could both prosper.

I didn't want to do it, but there was nothing else I could do. I am physically and mentally unhealthy and I have tried to get well for several years now. How can one heal in such a toxic environment?

I miss my husband. I sense that he misses me too. But what else can I do?

Painted in a Corner

2006-03-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

I haven’t posted in a while, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been drama. For the most part it has been quiet drama. As usual, the in-laws are all smiles and sweetness, but the lies and manipulations never end. I simply cannot take any more of this and have refused to visit with them for over a month now. It’s simply pointless to sit there listening to them when I know every-other sentence is a lie and every new conversation has deeper meaning beyond simply making small talk—meaning they are fishing for information and they are trying to manipulate yet again.

My husband and my in-laws have painted me into a corner. I don’t want to divorce my husband, but he will not be my partner in life. He is cheating on me, not by having a sexual affair, but by making his sister and mother his life partners rather than me. I have lost almost all autonomy.

My in-laws make almost all of our decisions for us. My husband sees nothing wrong with letting them decide where we will live, how we will live, what our financial investments will be, what major purchases we will make. He denies that he’s letting them do this, but the evidence is right there to see.

We are supposed to be house-hunting soon. So, rather than talk to me about where we would like to live and what type of house we’d like, he goes to his family and discusses it with them. I can barely get him to talk to me about it. And when I do, my dreams get shot down every time with statements like, “My sister said such-and-such neighborhood isn’t any good,” “My mother wants us to have a bigger house, so we have to put our money into the size of the house rather than in the quality or in the acreage, etc.,” “My sister said she will tell us when the market is good enough to purchase a home. Right now she wants us to wait.” You get the picture, right? Why can’t he see this? Why does his family get to make these decisions?

My husband says that if I don’t like it, I can take it up with them. Yet, when I tell them that my husband and I will make the decisions about what we do they just laugh. And it’s no wonder. They KNOW my husband will cave in to their demands. They have him emotionally blackmailed. He’s so afraid they will think less of him—even make him a blacksheep—if he doesn’t abide by every one of their wishes.

There are now stores that my husband and I are not supposed to shop in because his family doesn’t like them. I finally convinced my husband we should shop there anyway because we don’t have a six-figure income and we need to spend more thoughtfully than the rest of his family. I think the only reason he agrees with me on this is because we have no choice financially speaking. But he’s always afraid his family will find out where we did our shopping. Who cares? Why do they even have to ask us where we got stuff? I mean, they quiz us about where we buy our toothpaste, garbage bags, walnuts . . . everything. Who cares? I don’t even know where my own family gets their stuff. I assume at the stores that are local to them, but I would never presume to make it my business to know.

My husband says that if all of this upsets me, I need to speak up to his sister and mother. I am willing to do this. I’ve wanted to do this for a very long time, but he’s had this rule throughout most of our marriage that nobody is allowed to say anything displeasing to his sister or mother. (I can speak freely to his brother for some reason, but I’m never allowed to speak freely to the females. I can only placate them. Then he wonders why I don’t enjoy spending any time with them, but that’s another issue.) He says his sister wants to talk to me about all of this because she wants us to become friends (said the spider to the fly), but I think that HE thinks I’m only going to placate her further. When I tell her what’s TRULY on my mind, my husband will want to divorce me for sure. I don’t want to divorce him. I only want him to grow up. But what can I do? He’s forcing me to have the very conversation that he DOESN’T WANT me to have with his sister. Is he looking for an excuse to divorce me? Is this his round-about way of trying to be grown up? (By getting me to speak up to his family rather than him?)

I also want to tell his sister that I know she lies and manipulates. She thinks she’s so sneaky, but most everybody can see right through her. My husband is not going to like me giving her this revelation.

I’ve been so stressed out over this whole matter, which is why I haven’t posted recently. It upsets me to even type this out.

I’ve tried everything for over a dozen years to make this a happy marriage and to keep our marriage together, but I am all out of ideas. I can no longer focus on the marriage. Through prayer and counseling I have reached the conclusion that the best I can do is to do the right thing at every step. If the marriage ends in divorce at least I will know I tried all that I could. I just wish my husband would/could do his part. I could be happy if he would be my partner in life, but I can’t force anybody to do that.

Here’s something that would be funny if I didn’t have to live in the middle of it—whenever my husband’s family comes over we have to go through the home hiding things. One time I had a box of snacks on the counter and my husband was madly searching for a hiding place because he didn’t want his family to know that we had snacks in the home. (Oh, we’re such immoral people!) Another time, we had fruit on hand, and he wanted to hide this too. I asked him why, since it wasn’t junk food. This time it was because it was his mother’s favorite food and he thought she would be upset at the fact that we got our own supply of this fruit but didn’t get any for her! I said, “You can offer some to her when she gets here.” And he said, “It’s too late. I should have already told her about it. Now she’ll wonder why I didn’t tell her we had it.”

Can you believe this? I wouldn’t if I weren’t living it. It’s so bizarre that I can’t even make sense of it. My brain feels like it’s permanently warped from trying to even make sense of it.

I can’t live like this much longer. I’m approaching my middle years and I’m sneaking around hiding things like an eight-year-old sneaking a cookie from the cookie jar. In my own home, no less!

I’m going to stop here, because I’m feeling so aggravated by all of this . . . Why can’t those people mind their own business? Better yet, why can’t my husband make them mind their own business?

I Almost Let My Guard Down

2006-01-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

Things had settled down quite a bit with my in-laws around the holiday time. They were very nice, not overbearing, and acted fairly decently—for them, that is. They still told us what gifts to buy for their children, although they did buy some themselves this year. I almost thought, “Gee, I may have to take down this weblog. I think they’ve changed their ways. I certainly can’t have vengeance toward people who are trying their best to be half-way decent.”

Well, they must have just been feeling under the weather, because this New Year has them, once again, showing their true colors. Just when I was about to let my guard down too. It’ll be a long time before I do THAT again.

Trust me when I say that NO GOOD CAN COME FROM TRUSTING LIARS AND MANIPULATORS!

Here’s the story of my idiots-in-law, as I like to refer to them:

My husband took vacation days between Christmas and New Years. He spent a lot of time with both my family and his during this time. His last day of vacation was on Monday, January 2nd. He just wanted to unwind from the busy holidays and relax before heading back to work. We were going to go out that day but decided to just take it easy at home instead because my husband was tired and had a bit of a headache.

On January 1st, late at night, we got an email from our brother-in-law. He says he would like to stop by for about an hour or so before his doctor’s appointment on the 2nd to “help” us with our investment portfolio (because he's just so much smarter than we are and can better spend our money than we can. Personally, I think he’s just nosey and wants to know all of our business—all the better for manipulating us later on).

Well, my husband was asleep when the email came in, and I didn’t bother answering it. I didn’t really mind if my brother-in-law came by for about an hour or so, but I sensed immediately that the entire family was trying to finagle an invitation for the afternoon from us. I was hoping to talk to my husband about this in the morning. But I was too late. He already replied to the email by the time I woke up, and he told the brother-in-law to come on over.

I cringed when my husband said he had replied already, and he wanted to know what was wrong. I then told him, "I don't mind if our brother-in-law comes to talk to us for an hour or so, but I don't want your whole family coming over for the entire day."

Then my husband says, "They're not coming over. Just our brother-in-law. He's coming at 2 p.m. and then will leave by 3:30 for his doctor's appointment."

I said, "Nope. They're all coming. I guarantee it! That's why he sent an email last night. To open the door for an invitation. They wanted us to reply ‘Sure, come over. Be sure to bring the family too.’ And the reason he sent it at night rather than just calling us in the morning was so that if we DIDN’T invite them, they would have time to pull their classic manipulation scheme that they pull every time they are not wanted somewhere!” (His mother is EXPERT at this!) I then warned him, “Be VERY careful or they will all come over today, we will hardly get a chance to talk to brother-in-law about our investments because your sister and mother will NOT mind the kids and brother-in-law will have to keep stopping to deal with them, and your family will monopolize the entire last day of your vacation.”

My husband says, "No, no, no. You're wrong. It's not like that . . . blah, blah, blah"

So . . . The phone rings the first time. My husband talks briefly, saying something like, "No. Just have [brother-in-law] come over. This way we can talk without interruption and then he can go to his appointment and we can move on with our day."

The phone rings a second time. My husband says, "I'm not sure what the weather is going to do. It's really best—for a lot of reasons—if only [brother-in-law] comes over and you stay put."

The phone rings a third time. Husband wanders off to where I can't hear the conversation. He comes back with that tell-tale look of shame in his eyes and says, "My sister insists on coming over with [brother-in-law]. She PROMISES to watch the kids while we talk. My mother's coming too and she will help my sister. In fact, they are going to take the kids to the local museum and will be out of our hair most of the day."

Without going into detail, I pretty much called his sister AND his mother every name they deserve plus a few extras. I told my husband that both his sister AND mother were a couple of manipulative bitches. And his sister is just a little girl who has to lie her way through life because she HAS to guarantee that everything goes her own way regardless of what anybody else wants.

HE AGREED! He actually agreed with me!

Then I told him, “I knew LAST NIGHT when I got the email that it was all about manipulating an invitation from us. Why else would brother-in-law email us in the night when he was going to have to call us in the morning anyway? The reason is: They wanted to get a foothold in the door by saying he would stop by all by himself for just an hour or so. Once it was guaranteed that we would be home, that's when they would take the opportunity to invite themselves over. EVEN AFTER TELLING THEM TWICE NOT TO COME!

I proceeded to tell my husband . . . 1. They're NOT going to the local museum. Your sister only said that because you were giving her resistance about coming over. She has NO INTENTION of taking the kids ANYWHERE. 2. She's NOT going to watch the kids while we talk to our brother-in-law. She hasn't watched her kids since the day she became a mother, she's not going to start doing it now. And 3. She's only coming here because her husband has a doctor's appointment which means SHE needs to watch the kids. She doesn't WANT to watch the kids. She wants YOU to watch her kids.

Well . . . when they arrived, my liar of a sister-in-law had a big pillow case of toys for the kids to play with. Kind of strange, since they were supposed to be going to the local museum!

Then, while we're (trying) to talk with our brother-in-law—or should I say, while he was talking down to us like we were five year olds receiving an allowance for the first time in our lives--the kids interrupted us no less than 6 times, sister-in-law interrupted us twice, and mother-in-law once. We finally had to go upstairs and shut our office door.

Now, how did I know my sister-in-law wasn't going to the museum? How did I know she wasn’t going to watch her kids? I must be psychic or something. My powers amaze me!

Anyway . . . after our brother-in-law leaves for his appointment, my sister-in-law starts taking an attitude with my husband. The poor guy had no idea why! He did nothing but lay down on the ground so that his bitch of a sister could walk all over him and that STILL wasn't good enough for her!

She had wanted to feed the kids (she had to bring food with her because my husband had told her on the phone that we had nothing here to offer them—in fact, had they not come, we would have been grocery shopping) and all my plates were in the dishwasher so she had to use paper plates. She was SO insulted. HOW DARE WE not roll out the red carpet for her and make sure our dishes are done when we haven't even invited anybody over in the first place!

Then, she LIES to her own brother and blames her own kids for something SHE did! It wasn't even worth lying about because it wasn't a big deal and was SO trivial, but a LIAR IS A LIAR and she can't do anything differently. So, while I was helping brother-in-law move an extra chair from one room into our office, I heard my sister-in-law call to her kids, "[Son, daughter.] Do you want a banana? Come in the kitchen if you want a banana!" Afterwards, my sister-in-law says, "The kids got into your bananas so there are two missing. I'm sorry. They just got at them before I had a chance to stop them." She totally lied about it! If she had admitted that she helped herself to our fruit, she might have had to—God forbid—say “thank you!” She would have actually had to acknowledge my husband’s generosity! So, instead she lies. If the bananas got taken accidentally, then of course there’s no need to say “thank you,” “I’m sorry,” or “I appreciate it” or anything. She SO has to keep herself high above everybody. They all lie like this, CONSTANTLY. It’s not only bizarre—it’s disgusting. There’s such a competition in that family to be holier than the others. But they are all so IMMORAL—liars, cheaters, manipulators. All they care about is the ILLUSION that they are so wonderful. Don’t ever expect them to actually TRY to be good people. It will never happen! They are too evil! They lie about things that don’t even matter! Why would anybody even care that she took two stinking bananas. We had a whole bunch lying there anyway. It’s all about sister-in-law’s superiority. It would kill her if she EVER had to say “thanks” to somebody as “low” as me or her brother!

ANYWAY . . . to make a long story even longer . . . After our brother-in-law’s appointment, my sister-in-law didn't even let him back into our home—she just left in a huff.

I was glad. Good riddance to stinky trash, I say! But my husband felt bad and was very confused. He had no idea what else he was supposed to do to please his sister. He let her come over even though he didn’t want her to come over. He didn’t say a word when she let the kids—as usual—run amok and out of control. He helped her find paper plates and get things set up so the kids could eat. Basically, he sacrificed his entire last vacation day for her even though he was suffering a headache and would have rather have just been watching television or relaxing.

So, I told my husband, "I know you don't want to hear this. But I'm going to say it as calmly and gently as possible. You will NEVER be good enough for your sister. As far as she's concerned she's the center of the universe and we’re all here to serve her. You could have been Mother Theresa, and she would have been offended that you didn't serve her enough. She's the one who came over uninvited. You gave her more hospitality than she deserved and far more than I would ever give to an uninvited guest—especially one who I already said 'no' to twice. I say let her be huffy and she can stew in her own juices. I doubt she's even thinking about you right now. She's too busy thinking of herself, and you should do the same."

Well, he called her after she got home, because he knew he wouldn't sleep well that night because he was so upset about everything and feeling so guilty even though he went above and beyond kindness. Anyway, he asked his sister why she left the way she did.

Her answer was, "You hurt my feelings. I expect you to be jovial when we come to visit and you weren't!" That basically translates to, "You're just a clown, a court jester, and a buffoon. I'm offended that you dare to have other personality traits that don’t suit MY needs, you lowlife piece of turd."

What pissed me off more than what she said to him then was the fact that when my husband told her that he had had a headache all day and that’s what made him less jovial than usual, she had said, "Oh, I didn't realize that. THAT would have made all the difference if you had just said so."

I about HIT THE ROOF when he told me she said that to him because IN HER PRESENCE—AT LEAST THREE TIMES—I had asked my husband, “How's your head feeling?" and "Did you take an Advil yet?" and "Is it a nauseous migraine or is it just muscular from your neck?"

And, anyway, since when does my husband (or anybody for that matter) have to EXPLAIN his attitude or emotions to that immature little girl! Who in HELL does she think she is! Pardon me, but JESUS HELP ME! Now we all need to get HER DAMN PERMISSION before we're ALLOWED to have a headache?

I CANNOT STAND HER! I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM WISHING HER DEAD—PREFERABLY IF SHE SUFFERS A BIT FIRST!

SHE IS SO FULL OF HERSELF that she never even noticed her own brother wasn't feeling well—in spite of the fact we were talking about it! SHE IS ALSO SO FULL OF HERSELF because she ASSUMES that my husband’s mood is a direct reflection ON HER rather than just asking him why he’s being quiet! “Yes, oh great one, our life is all focused on you and you only! We have no feelings or emotions or anything except as they relate to YOU!!! May I kiss your sweet rose-scented ass now? Please??!!”

If she saw some poor unfortunate soul lying in the street bleeding to death, she would find a way to make the situation all about herself. And it would never occur to her to call for help for the person. She would just walk away insulted that the person had the gall to bleed in front of her.

The world does not need people like her in it! She’s a waste of oxygen as far as I’m concerned!

My Sister-in-Law's Mouth

2005-12-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

Every time my sister-in-law opens her mouth, something stupid comes out of it. I could ALMOST tolerate her if she would just go mute. You would never guess in a million years that she is college educated and has a good career. But that’s all she’s good for. She has book smarts—only in her profession, however—and absolutely no common sense.

Because my husband and I weren’t going to be around for Thanksgiving, we agreed that we would have a nice dinner with his family after we returned from our holiday. When we were settling on a date to get together, I explicitly said that it couldn’t be this weekend. I had a meeting and a lot of baking to do for other engagements that I am involved in and would have no time for visiting let alone do additional cooking for a fancy dinner.

So, what do my ignorant in-laws do? They invite themselves over this weekend. What does my spineless husband say? Nothing, other than to say, “Come on over!”

To my husband’s credit, he does tell them that they will have to eat out at a restaurant because—once again—he reminds them that I do not have any food to offer them nor time to visit with them in my home (especially since they don’t supervise their kids and they love to play with the oven regardless of how hot it is and other dangerous things around the house and I was not about to be the “parent” to these unruly kids—but, unfortunately, he didn’t say that part).

So, they show up. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law push their way into the house. They each try to be the first one through the door, because not only are they rude with me, but they are also rude among themselves because they really are THAT ignorant. So, after the Larry, Mo, and Curly act, my sister-in-law begins taking off the jackets and shoes of her kids. The adults take off their shoes and jackets too.

My mother-in-law is laughing like an idiot. Don’t ask me why. Whenever I see her, whether it’s at my home or hers, she doesn’t talk or say, “How are you?” She just laughs at you. I used to play along with her, but now I just stare blankly at her with a quizzical look that is a truer reflection of my thoughts. Anyway, I used to think it was a nervous laugh on her part because, one time, she broke a glass and started laughing. She didn’t even apologize. She just said, “That’s okay,” as if it was for her to determine what is okay and what isn’t in my home—but that’s a different story. The fact is, all she does is laugh, and it makes me wonder if she needs to be evaluated by some sort of specialist and put in a “home.”

Anyway . . . dumb thing number one from the sister-in-law:

She just finished pulling off the last shoe from her second child, then she says, “I didn’t know we were going to take off our jackets. I thought we were just going to pick up [my husband] and leave for the restaurant.” And she’s got this surprised look on her face and tone in her voice as if she has no idea how everyone’s jackets disappeared and how the kids lost their shoes.

She’s the stupid moron who decided to strip everybody down. I never told any of them to take their coats off. In fact, my husband was just grabbing his stuff to leave while they were doing all of this.

Then, since my husband now had more time because the sister-in-law had to immediately start dressing the kids again, she started asking me about what she should get my husband for Christmas while he ran to the bedroom for his wallet.

And this brings us to dumb thing number two:

My brother-in-law had a good idea to get the perfect Christmas gift for my husband that had to do with one of his special interests. My sister-in-law’s dumb idea, on the other hand, was to get him a child’s toy—specifically one that she wanted to get for her own children—so that my husband would have it around our home for when she brought the kids over to visit. This isn't speculation on my part. She ACTUALLY said this!

What I should have told her was, “What, in God’s name kind of present is that? You’re going to give your grown-up brother your own child’s toy so that you don’t have to spend any extra money on anybody but yourselves? Don’t bother getting him anything if you’re going to do that!” Of course, I was so taken aback (and I wish I could tell you the item, but if they ever came across this blog they would know for sure it was about them because there is NOBODY in this whole wide world who would have EVER thought of buying this item for anybody over eight years old—except maybe—a BIG maybe—as a gag gift). So, I simply say, “I like brother-in-law’s idea better.”

That stupid woman was shocked. She really thought I would take her side over her husband’s. She was so surprised that I thought my husband would enjoy a gift related to his hobby more so than a gift related to raising her children.

Her oldest child is now celebrating his fourth Christmas, and in all our years of exchanging gifts among us adults, the only gifts for the children under their tree were ones that we brought or friends of their family left for them. The parents NEVER left surprises from Santa. And they told us they would prefer if we labeled our packages as “From Santa” rather than “From Aunt and Uncle.” I refused this request outright. There is no reason on Earth that those kids can’t grow up knowing that we love them enough and think of them enough that we are delighted to treat them to surprises at holiday time.

Yes, I believe there should be “Santa” surprises. But why is it our job to supply that? Oh, stupid me . . . It’s so that the kids don’t ask why Mommy and Daddy never give them presents when all the other relatives do. Well, they’re the ones who don’t want to buy Christmas gifts for their kids, so that’s THEIR problem. (Oh, and they are not tight for money, or I would gladly play along. They have a half-million dollar home, six-figure salary, and all that sort of thing. This is just one more example of their manipulative crap.)

Stupid thing number three:

The sister-in-law decides, before leaving for the restaurant, that she will wash the children’s hands so they will be clean for eating. Now, like I mentioned earlier, she herself said that she had only planned on meeting my husband at the door and not coming in. (Which begs the question, why did all FIVE of them get out of the car?) That being the case, wouldn’t she have washed the children’s hands before leaving her house? Hmmm . . . So, she DID plan on coming in the house and getting comfortable in spite of the fact that we clearly told them they were not welcome to come this weekend. Is she a manipulative liar or what? And even if she DID wash their hands before leaving her house. It’s a twenty minute ride to our home. How dirty can they get in the car in twenty minutes? Also, it’s twenty minutes to the restaurant they were going to, so if in fact they are able to get dirty on a twenty minute drive, there would really be no need to wash their hands at our home anyway, because they would still be in need of washing on arrival to the restaurant anyway.

See my point? She’s a stupid woman. And I use the word "woman" loosely. She’s an immature girl is what she is. She lies. She manipulates. She can’t keep her stories straight. She can’t manage her children. She has no common sense. She worries about the speck of dirt they might have on their hands from the car, but then she serves food out of dirty dishes that she allowed the kids to play with on her dirty floors. Again, that's another story for another time.

I really hate people like her. It’s bad enough that she’s stupid. But the fact that she not only enjoys her ignorance, but seems to strive to be as idiotic as possible really pisses me off. It’s like she and her mother are having a moron competition to see who can be stupider. Usually I would say it’s a tie. But since this time all my mother-in-law did was laugh like a drunken hyena, my sister-in-law wins. Idiot!

Somewhat of a Nice Break

2005-11-21T21:32:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've felt the need to blog about my in-laws. It's not that they haven't been aggravating. The mother-in-law invited herself over to our home to stay overnight for several days even though she lives only two towns over. The sister-in-law still thinks she's too good for everybody. My husband still won't speak up to his family. And the whole bunch of them are still liars and master manipulators. But at least I've been able to keep some distance . . . with the exception of the overnight visit.

My husband and I are looking forward to the holiday with my family. And I can live with having a re-creation of Thanksgiving with my in-laws on the weekend. I guess they're coming to my home, because they usually want someone else to do all the work. (They cancelled their plans and disinvited the rest of their Thanksgiving guests since we are not going to be there to do most of the work!) Even though I'd still end up doing all the work at their house, there's no point to having the celebration over there because they won't have anyone to show off to. So, they'll want me to host dinner and they'll let their kids run around uncontrollably while leaving food all over the floor and walls.

The good thing is, I've gotten bolder about speaking my mind to these people. I no longer worry about hurting their feelings. I've tried the "nice" way. But they have never appreciated it. So now I speak sharply to them when they are being rude. If their kids get into things they are not supposed to, I make sure the parents make them mind. Too bad if it embarrasses them. They need that, because they don't respond to anything else and won't learn any other way.

Holidays Are Coming

2005-10-11T14:58:00.000-04:00

It’s only October and my in-laws are already claiming all of the upcoming holidays for themselves. Of course, I expected this. They want every holiday to only revolve around themselves, so I was prepared this year!

My family and my in-laws, in the past, have often shared Thanksgiving by celebrating at my home. It prevented having either my husband or myself from missing our own families. I think I hosted the holiday for about five years in a row, which was nice. When my sister-in-law had her first baby, she offered to host. This surprised me, since she seemed to have her hands full already. But I certainly didn’t mind giving the job to somebody else, and she was long overdue for the honor. So . . . and this is moving off the topic a little bit . . . she prepared the turkey and the mashed potatoes, and she asked ME to take care of everything else! I may just as well have hosted the holiday myself! I made all the side dishes, hors'doeuvres, and my mother brought desserts. My husband showed up early to move tables and arrange furniture. And I brought extra serving platters, utensils, and plates. Basically, my sister-in-law had no business hosting a holiday. She got all the credit while my mother, husband, and I did all the work. My in-laws who came from out of town contributed nothing, as usual, and after they left, my husband and I handled most of the cleanup. We've done this two years in a row now.

Anyway . . . My parents had celebrated Thanksgiving with my in-laws for two years in a row now themselves. Since I had hosted for the five years previous, my parents have not had to host a holiday in well over seven years. (Christmas Eve my husband and I spend with his family; Christmas Day is usually spent at my brother’s—so far, this satisfies everybody.) My mother spoke with me about a week ago and said that she did not want to spend a third Thanksgiving with my in-laws. I didn’t question her about this, but these are the possible reasons for her choice:

1. I’ve been telling my mother so much about how my in-laws are treating me that she no longer wants to celebrate with these people.

2. She misses our own family customs and rituals, the smells of Thanksgiving in the home, and setting her own schedule and plan for the day.

3. Although my parents haven’t said anything to me about it, they may have gotten offended by things my in-laws have said to them or around them—just as I have. And my parents aren’t ones who would tell me about this unless I asked them directly about it, which I haven’t yet. They don’t like to stir up trouble.

So anyway, my mother said she hoped I wouldn’t mind, but she didn’t wish to join us this year if we were going to my in-laws, but that my husband and I were welcome to come to their home.

Of course, I thought this was fair. It’s not right for us to spend a third year at my in-laws, when my parents haven’t had a chance to host us for the holiday. So my husband and I agreed that we would plan on the holiday with my parents.

As expected, as soon as we told my sister-in-law that we would not be around for Thanksgiving, the whining, judgments, and manipulation began.

Paraphrase of the whining: “That’s not fair. We wanted to show off our new home. We haven’t bothered inviting your parents since we bought our new home many months ago, but we want them to show up for our holiday because the more cars we have in the driveway, the better impression we will make on the neighbors to whom we never speak with but only talk about. Now we’re going to be short by four people, and who will make all the side dishes and the desserts now? I hope you can still come at least the day before in order to help us set up for the holiday? If not, then come the day after so that you can help us clean . . .”

Paraphrase of the judgments: “I can’t believe they don’t want to come and see our new home. I’m sure they’ve never seen a home as grand as ours. It’s not much by OUR standards, but I know THEY would be impressed. How can they go and make holiday plans without checking to see if we wanted them here first? Perhaps we’ll just go to their house instead . . .” [After a brief clarification that my parents had not—to the best of my knowledge—invited them, only me and my husband, they became more adamant.] “They’re certainly not going to enjoy the holiday without us! That’s just not right. We should be invited everywhere. Have they no idea how important we are?”

Paraphrase of the manipulation: “Well, I’m going to call your parents myself and extend an invitation directly. I’m sure they will change their minds after I have a chance to tell them lies and manipulate them the way our entire family does with each other all the time. Just wait and see. I’ll get my way one way or another. It doesn’t matter who I hurt or how I degrade myself, as long as everyone treats me as if I’m royalty!”

Well . . . I have all the confidence in my parents. They don’t fall for these types of games. They’ve made their plans, with no intentions of inviting anybody but their own children and their children’s immediate families. They will not be swayed by whining, self-righteous judgments, and especially manipulation. That turns my parents off in the worst way. (Me too!) In fact, now that my parents are aware of the truth about my in-laws, they will probably never socialize with them again. My parents will always treat them with respect and politeness, but they will never go out of their way to spend time with them anymore. And why should they? My in-laws, although they put up a pretty façade of pleasantness, always leave visitors with a heavy feeling of unpleasantness. You can hide a lot of flaws, but self-righteousness, self-centeredness, and arrogance are difficult to disguise. And my in-laws are so mentally challenged that I don’t think they even realize how much of themselves they reveal through their actions and speech.

So sad . . . and disgusting!

Harmless Revenge

2005-09-21T14:27:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned in previous posts that my in-laws are not the cleanest people. Don't get me wrong, they dress very nicely and present themselves very well. When they are in my home, however, they are very careless and do not clean up after themselves. For example, when they use the bathroom they splash water all around when they wash their hands but don't wipe up their spills. Then they just either bunch up the hand towels when they are finished with them or throw them on the floor so that nobody else would want to use them.

Well, one other thing that really gets on my nerves is when my in-laws come for a meal. In the past, I would set the table and have napkins set in the middle of the table for everyone in addition to a napkin at each place setting. I wanted to stop placing the extra napkins on the table because my in-laws like to take their greasy hands and wipe them on the entire stack of napkins rather than just using the one at their place setting or pulling just one or two napkins from the pile.

Not only did this disgust me, but it was causing us to waste money. We had to throw away about 40 to 50 napkins every time my mother-in-law and/or sister-in-law would visit. This was crazy, and since my husband denied this ever happened and insisted that I not make an issue of it by asking his family to be more careful with the napkins, I found a solution of my own.

One time, my in-laws came over for pizza. My mother-in-law, as always, picked up the entire stack of napkins, wiped her hands on them and set them back in the center of the table. After they left and I was cleaning up, I showed the napkins to my husband. I said, "See? This is what happens every time your family eats here. They dirty the entire stack of napkins and then just leave them for others to use." My husband looked at the stack of greasy napkins, which even had smudges of pizza sauce on the side, and actually said, "I don't see anything. These are perfectly clean. You're just trying to find fault with my family."

So, given that, by my husband's and my in-law's standards, these napkins were "clean," I set the pile aside in a cupboard and put out fresh napkins. THEN, the next time his family came over, I swapped the napkins. I put the clean napkins away and set out the greasy and dirty ones that my husband declared had nothing wrong with them, and those were the ones his family got to use.

Did I do anything wrong? I simply set out the same napkins that his family had left behind for US to use. If it was wrong for me to make them use them, then wasn't it wrong for them to have left them like that for US to use?

Nothing was said to me about the napkins, but I did notice my husband examining the napkins carefully while we sat down to eat. He must have finally noticed the grease that he couldn't see before. But he never said anything, and his family had no choice but to use the dirty napkins. Either that, or they would have had to admit that they were dirty and, of course, I would have said, "But how can that be?"

Now I don't mind so much when my in-laws make a big mess. Since it doesn't qualify as a mess in their eyes, I simply serve it back to them!

Preparations Are Under Way

2005-09-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

I've just about taken all I can take. I'm making preparations for my final departure. My husband has confirmed my suspicion that I was, am, and always will be second to his family. In his view, blood family is primary; marriage is just a hobby to keep on the side. If the marriage fails, it's no big deal so long as Mommy is there to tuck him in at night.

I've never told my husband to ignore his family or to "run away" from his family or to not involve himself with his family. All I asked was that he would be my partner.

When I had a brush with cancer, I had to literally beg him to come with me for my biopsy and later for my treatment. But, to give credit where credit is due, he at least went. However, later on, when I had to go for an MRI to rule out the possibility of a brain tumor, I had to go all alone. Why? First, because my husband couldn't be bothered to ask for the morning off from work. Then, when his mother asked him to take that SAME day off because she was bored and wanted to have tea with him that day, he took the day off at the last minute to be with her while I went to the MRI all by myself.

Stupid me. I was too embarrassed to ask a friend or my parents to come with me. I felt so ashamed that my husband didn't want to comfort me and I didn't want them to know. There I was protecting him when the only one who should have been embarrassed and ashamed was HIM!

I'm so glad we never had children together. This way our break will be very clean and I will never have to deal with him or his family again.

Actually, how could we have had children? By definition that would mean he would be establishing his "own" family. He couldn't betray his Mommy like that, now could he? He used to say that he simply didn't want children because he wanted to pursue his career and didn't want the added responsibility of children, and I was fine with that myself, but when I see him with his sister's children, I find it hard to believe that he doesn't regret not having children of his own. I think he lied about the real reason for not wanting children. I think he feels "married" to his mother, and starting his own "separate" family would be the ultimate betrayal. Is that incestual or what? But it's the only explanation that makes sense . . .

Unwelcome Guests

2005-09-13T11:03:00.000-04:00

My in-laws are supposedly educated, cultured, and well-travelled people. If this is the case, though, why do they act like animals? And I hate to even make that comparison, because it's an insult to animals. I would rather have a half-wild zoo animal in my home than my in-laws.

We invited my in-laws over for dinner recently. It had been a while, since it is always so difficult to entertain them. Their expectations are so high that the most experienced of chefs could not satisfy their palettes. And no matter how hard I try or how much work I put in to a meal, they have no problem telling me that my efforts were for waste. It wouldn't bother me so much if they simply wanted to make a suggestion for improvement. Or if they simply said, "This is fine. I prefer a little less salt, but I appreciate the work you did." But no. Before they even take a bite they begin saying, "Basil? We use oregano. This is going to be awful. Do you have any oregano we could put on this?" And then when they take a bite, it's "This is terrible. Are you sure you cooked it right? Put it back in the oven. I'll take over and fix it for you." Then--and this is the part that really gets me angry--before they leave they will say, "When are you going to invite us again? You don't invite us over enough. You make us feel like you don't want us to come over." Well . . . duh! I don't want them to come over. If I never saw them again, it would be too soon!

The insults aren't the worst of it, though. It's that while they are visiting, they have to get in to everything. They like to go through my cupboards and refrigerator to see what I have and which brands I am using. While they are judging me for not being organic enough or low-fat enough or not having enough vegetables or the right vegetables, they are moving everything around and messing up my organization. And before you think I am just being anal, I'm not talking about alphabetizing my canned goods. I mean that they tip over my salad dressings and leave them sideways to leak all over the place or they move the beverages that I keep on the door of the fridge to the middle of the fridge were they end up squishing other things like my fresh tomatoes or cake or whatever other delicate item may be nearby.

Then they use my bathrooms and splash water all over the counters, the mirror, and the floor. The children aren't even as bad as the adults are! The children (well . . . the older one anyway) at least hang up the towels when they are done, but the adults either drop them on the floor or, at best, leave them bunched up on the rack so if anyone else needs to use the bathroom after them they have soggy towels and a complete mess to contend with. As long as the bathroom is nice for them, it's okay. They don't give a thought to anybody else around them.

They leave the living room a complete mess. We eat our dinner at the table, but they let their children (a baby and a toddler!) bring their food anywhere they want, so there are crumbs and bits of food and sticky spots everywhere. I put my foot down and tell them that the kids cannot run freely through the house while they are eating, and the in-laws say they will abide by that rule, but then when my back is turned, they give the children food and tell them to run off and play. I should expect this behavior from liars, so I don't know why I'm shocked by my dishonest in-laws. I suppose I'm just frustrated. I wish my husband would help me maintain our boundaries, but he can't. There is too much emotional incest in his family. He's not "allowed" to stand up for himself, and therefore he can't stand up for me. His family will always bully us and treat us like second class citizens.

I wonder why I don't invite them over more often? They are just such pleasant company after all . . . (I hope you catch the sarcasm!)

Meet the Family

2005-09-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

Before I get in to the whole story about my arrogant in-laws, I will introduce them. I will also give you some of my own background. Although my family doesn't play much of a role in all this drama, sometimes I will need to refer to them. For instance, I may compare my in-laws' behavior with that of my own family's when they are in the same or similar situation. This way I can show you the contrast between where I came from and where I am now.

So, first off, I have two parents and two siblings. One sibling is single, has a successful career, and owns a home many states away. The other sibling is married with children and lives about an hour's drive away. My parents currently live about two towns away. My husband and I have no children. This is as much background as I'm laying out for now. I will tell you more as needed as I continue.

Now, for the in-laws. I have no father-in-law, only a mother-in-law. My husband has a brother and a sister. The brother is recently re-married and lives many states away. The sister lives with her husband, children, and her mother (my mother-in-law) a few towns away.

It is my sister-in-law and mother-in-law who I will most likely be talking about the most. Not only are they the most self-centered people I've ever known, they are incredibly meddlesome and presumptuous, but I am getting ahead of myself. I will lay out some evidence of all of this later.

When I first met my husband, he was very gentle and kind, smart and thoughtful, and fun to be around. We dated about once a week for quite a while until one day we decided that we should meet each other's families.

My first impression of his family was that most of them were similar to him. They were very soft spoken, polite, and had nothing but concern for making me comfortable in their home. His brother was the one who revealed the first signs of arrogance, but I didn't take it personally. He was simply haughty in how he spoke about the people he worked with and when he told me about some of his philosophies.

As I got more comfortable with the in-laws, I began expressing my views to the brother and had no trouble telling him when I thought he was expressing arrogance. Surprisingly, we developed a nice relationship. Our philosophies disagreed, but we could always discuss things fairly and he would readily admit when I overwhelmed him with an idea or when he realized he was wrong about something. And he made it quite easy for me to do the same in return. I found in short order that he was a person who, although raised in an arrogant environment, was not only willing, but desired, to change.

He recognized that his attitude ruined his first marriage and, to this day, he works on his behavior and readily apologizes if he slips back into his old mannerisms. And to his credit, I must say, he has changed a lot over the years. This is most likely because he lives far away from his family now and is not constantly influenced by them. You may not believe how a group of arrogant people can feed each other's arrogance. When you're elitist, and cut off from all normal people in the world, it's so easy to be judgmental--you get to be better than everybody else . . . in your own mind, at least. Now that the brother is out in the world experiencing people on his own without having his views filtered by his family's ideas, he is much more down to earth.

I never had any sort of debates with the mother and sister because they were always so quiet and didn't really do much of anything. In fact, they seemed very dependant on my husband (boyfriend at the time) for their own opinions. If you asked them the simplest thing, like "What kind of ice cream do you like?" they would turn to look at my husband and he would chime in and say, "blah-blah-blah is my favorite flavor" and they would reply, "Oh, yes. You're right. That is the best flavor." As if they weren't allowed to choose a unique flavor of their own.

At the time, it all seemed pretty natural and just a part of their personalities. I took it as them being laid back and not overly opinionated. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I now know that it's not a lack of expressiveness. It's that they keep as much to themselves as possible. They are afraid of even the smallest of talk because they worry about revealing something . . . Secrets? Who knows.

When they moved into a new home, it was almost two years later when one of their close relatives contacted me to ask why they had changed their phone number. I was rather confused and said that they had moved almost two years previous, and the relatives were shocked! They had gotten weekly phone calls during all this time and no mention of a new home ever occured. They had even received mail during this time, and nothing was mentioned. Either my in-laws didn't use a return address or they were still using the old one.

When my in-laws found out that I passed on the new information to the relative, they weren't terribly upset, but they instructed me to simply take messages in the future if any one else called looking for them. No explanation was ever given, but we were still getting phone calls from close relatives up to four years after their move. We still get calls occasionally from more distant relatives. What's the big secret? Do they work for the FBI or CIA or something? It's crazy. Especially coming from people who constantly preach about the value of close families and how no one is as close as their family and they're just so much better than everybody else because of how close they are. If this is true, then I just have one question: How come they call their aunts and uncles every week, to stay in close touch, yet won't tell them that they are moving?

Unlike the relationship I have with my brother-in-law, where I can ask questions and freely debate, the situation with the sister-in-law and mother-in-law is quite different. My husband is adamant about not upsetting them in any way. Questioning them about even the most minor of things is like the same thing as threatening their lives. I might ask something like, "Do you like to go to tag sales?" And my husband will angrily jump in with "They've never been to a tag sale. Let's talk about yadda, yadda, yadda instead." So what? If they've never been to a tag sale, can't they just say so? I was simply trying to find something we might share in common, not interrogate them.

Before each visit to the in-laws, my husband used to give me a list of topics not to bring up. Some of the things made sense. Like, when he accidently broke his mother's windshield by fooling around, he told her that neighborhood kids who were playing baseball accidently hit the ball into the windshield. He didn't have to lie. Insurance covered the windshield entirely for free, plus we had the money to fix it even if insurance wouldn't cover it. He just didn't want to admit to the family that he was goofing around and broke it himself. Rather immature, I know, but I can understand his feeling ashamed.

But then there was the really weird things that I wasn't supposed to mention. "Don't tell them that we bought new living room lamps yet. I'd rather tell them next week" or "Let's not bring up the fact that we saw your parents last night. My mother doesn't need to know that." It eventually got to the point where I was afraid to talk about anything. Any little mundane fact being revealed would put my husband into near-painful hysterics. It was as if he might possibly be disowned if his family knew that he was listening to a new radio station or using a different mug at breakfast time. In fact, one time my husband became hysterical because I had bought a different brand of cleanser from the one his mother uses. He was actually angry at me. Then, he would act paranoid when his mother came over that she might see our different brand of cleanser under the sink.

When I questioned him about these things, and why they were so important, he couldn't or wouldn't give a satisfactory answer. He just says, "Trust me. I know my family better than you do. It's complicated. Just play along."

One day I emailed his sister at her work about some minor thing I can't even remember now. It might have been to confirm the time we were supposed to get together that evening or something like that. I wasn't spamming her. It was just one brief email. Well, when my husband found out, he told me if I had anything to ask his sister that I should ask him and he would ask her for me. Of course, I refused this and said it was crazy that I couldn't speak with her directly. And if she didn't want to talk to me she didn't have to, but she should say so herself. He said, "It's not that she doesn't want to talk to you. It's just that you put her job in jeopardy by sending an email to her." That was such a blatant lie, not only because he swaps emails with her often, but also because no one gets fired for emails received. Maybe for what they send, but not for what they receive. If that was the case, people could get their enemies fired just by spamming them all the time. Basically what it is, is that my husband wanted me to talk to his sister when he was around to hear what I was saying. To this day, more than a decade later, he still questions what is said between us if we happen to be alone together for more than five minutes.

I didn't understand any of this back then. And I don't understand it now. I have some theories. But I'm more perplexed than anything else . . .

I'll Be Back

2005-09-01T13:27:00.000-04:00

I'll be back soon and often to to tell you all about my arrogant in-laws. You won't believe that people like this exist anywhere but in comical movies or gothic novels, but they do. And it's such a sad fact. Every ounce of energy and every resource that they can draw upon is used toward putting on their displays of self-righteousness, but I see them behind the scenes and after the curtain is drawn closed for the evening. They are hollow, empty people. They are arrogant with nothing to be arrogant about. They have to be self-righteous, because there is no true righteousness about them. They lie. They manipulate. They use people. And all with smiles on their faces as they welcome you into their home for a cup of tea, where they then do nothing but whine and complain about how there are not enough people in the world suitable for their friendship.

I have never known a group of people more ridiculous than this!

Stay tuned for:

all the details of how I got into this mess of being married into this family
thinly-disguised yet detailed descriptions of their antics
my back-and-forth internal debate about whether or not I need to divorce in order to separate myself from the lot of them
my harmless but disrespectful revenges that I take whenever an opportunity presents itself . . . this blog for example
and more!

I hope readers will leave their comments for me. I sincerely appreciate all non-abusive feedback. Do you think I'm going too far with my actions? Tell me about it. If you think there is something wrong with me, I take it as a favor for you to say so. I'm trying my best to stay on the high road, but in my circumstances--and in trying to maintain my sanity with this bunch--it is so difficult. Do you agree with my thoughts and actions? Please, tell me that too. I would find positive feedback affirming. Do you have advice for me? Please, please, please share. Have in-law horror stories of your own? Tell me. Perhaps I won't feel so all alone anymore.